I Believe in Eamonn Andrews

(The smooth talking charmer)
I know that one day, even though
I got several answers wrong
and ended up with 3 cabbages
and ignominy on TV,
and I’m now universally unemployable
and he sent a hitsquad out
to assassinate Ian
(that’s my hamster)
wittering and woganing on in his Irish way
about the university of hard knocks
and all that baloney maloney malarkey,
and now he’s going to tell the whole world
I’m a secret crossdresser and I carry disease
and I really shouldn’t have treated
my best mate that way that day
and he’s going to bring out some bony old
crone of a schoolteacher of mine
who I hated and I’ll have to pretend
he nurtured my creativity….

I know
in the end
he’ll intercept me with cameras
on my way to the STD clinic,
show me a big fancy book
with embossed leather covers
and blank pages
and he’ll say :
“This is your Life”























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